Posted by: amamasblog | March 8, 2007

Following My Instincts / Not Crying-It-Out

Last night I had Cole down sleeping, and was trying to read Ryan a story to put him in bed (Joe wasn’t home), and sure enough, Cole started crying.  I was hoping it would only last for a minute or so, and he would go back to sleep, but he started getting more and more upset. After a few minutes, it was obvious, he was now fully awake, and despite having an upset three-year-old, who was NOT happy his story was being interrupted, I had to leave Ryan to go attend to Cole.

It has been a week since I have started nursing Cole to sleep, and then putting him in his crib, next to our bed and it is working a lot better than having him sleep in the bed, but he still wakes up a lot.  So he was in his crib, and after my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room, what I saw, just about broke my heart. 

For my kids, I don’t believe in “crying-it-out.”  I firmly believe that when a baby is crying he needs something.  He may be scared, and just need the reassurance that his mama is still in the vicinity of the house.  I certainly don’t think a couple of minutes when  I can’t get to Cole is making him cry-it-out.  I am talking about leaving him while he is crying in a crib, obviously distressed for a long-period of time.  Also, I just don’t have the stomach for it.  For me, there is nothing worse than hearing your baby scream and cry for you, while they are in a dark room- alone. 

Plus there has been some research from Harvard and Yale, that have shown “when babies who are routinely separated from parents in a stressful way have abnormally high levels of the stress hormone and  lower growth hormone levels.  These imbalances inhibit the development of nerve tissue in the brain, suppress growth, and depress the immune system.” 

This subject was also brought up on a recent Dr. Phil episode that featured three of the Dr. Sears’s. 
Dr. Bob Sears said this about crying-it-out on the show:

“When a baby screams for 10, 20 minutes, or a half-hour night after night, what actually happens to the baby’s brain?” asks Dr. Bob Sears. “The blood pressure goes up. The pressure gets so high, new blood with oxygen can’t flow into the brain. So the brain can be deprived of oxygen, you guys. And that’s not all. It gets worse. The brain can be flooded with stress hormones, and we know that stress hormones can damage sensitive developing nerve tissue. So, night after night, weeks and weeks of crying can actually harm a baby’s brain. That’s why we encourage you both to respond to your maternal intuition.  Robert, develop your fatherly intuition, so you can both really thrive as a family. Respond to your baby. “

So back to Cole- in the few minutes before I could get to him, he had stood up in the crib, put his hands through the slots, and was feeling / squeezing my mattress.  I knew he was trying to find me.  Even though he is in his crib now, he knows where I sleep, and he was looking for me- he needed me.   

I picked him up, and instantly the crying stopped.  I sat down with him on the bed, and even though his eyes were closed, he started cooing.  I nursed him for a few minutes to calm him down.  Then the most amazing thing happened.  His eyes were still closed, and he took his hand and started tracing and feeling my face, the way a blind person would.  It was like he was trying to memorize my face by feel. 

I am in awe on the way babies brains work, and I think there is so much we still don’t know about this.  As he was feeling my face, I got a tear in my eye, and I felt so grateful that I have been able to follow my instincts on what feels right. 

I couldn’t help but think, as my sweet baby was stroking my face, if I had gone against my instincts and had allowed him to cry-it-out,  yes, he may have curled up and gone to sleep, after it was clear to him, his mama wasn’t going to come to him, but the way it was going, he would have just become more and more upset anyway.  He would have been very distressed, and he was looking for me!  Two, I would have completely missed this tender moment with him, that I will never forget. 



  1. Awwww! What a sweet, irreplaceable (sp?) moment!

  2. I am with you. Go with your gut and leave Dr. Phil to “name it to claim it” on his own family.

  3. Hi Playgrouduprising- welcome to my blog. :-0

  4. i think following your instincts will never do you wrong when parenting is concerned. a mama knows what’s best for her kiddo.

    so sweet about cole feeling your face. 🙂

  5. Kudos to you for trusting your wise, mama instinct and tending to your baby. I always think how the must miss the indelible closeness of our wombs…and then they are thrown into this world, just wanting more of that love and bond and protection. I, too, believe we must help reassure and ease them through this transition called life.
    And plus…no matter how old we get, we all experience moments when we just need our mamas.

  6. Thanks for your comment, Leigh- and welcome to my blog. Feel free to comment any time. 🙂

  7. […] and let Cole cry it out.  Yes, I said, cry it out.  I normally don’t believe in it, and even wrote a post about about not doing it, a while […]

  8. very interesting, but I don’t agree with you

  9. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

  10. i was just searching online for reassurance that i am doing the right thing by NOT allowing my baby (now toddler) to cry it out. thank you for this. 🙂

  11. I had an almost identical moment with my sweet Lilyana a couple weeks ago. She finally gained control of her hands, and instead of the usual trying to touch my face and instead whacking it, she ever-so-gently touched and stroked my face as she smiled and cooed. And it was at a middle-of-the-night feeding, such a tender and sweet moment that I will treasure forever.

    I am so thankful I’ve stumbled across so many other women in this track of mothering – following their instincts, given to us by God for mothering our children. We were designed for this, and we don’t need some fancy new program or book to tell us what to do.

    Thanks for the sweet story!

  12. You need to take part in a contest for one of the highest quality sites on the
    net. I most certainly will recommend this site!

  13. Hello, its fɑstiⅾious article on the topic of media ρrint, we аll
    know media is a impressive source of data.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: